泡菜坛子

I’m not going insane. But if I am, maybe it’s the way how it supposed to be.

No, I can’t tell.

So can you help me build the wall?

You’re very welcome.

So what was the deal? Heaven, or Hell?

Frankly, I’m not a big fan of birthday parties and surprises and all that, but that was the most surprising birthday I ever had.

My parents don’t normally remember my birthday, and really, birthday doesn’t mean that much to me. I can still remember that we used to have some discussion about me and my older cousin’s birthdays. Up until some age (don’t remember), I used to have birthday on 11/4 and he used to have it on 12/3. Only because that our parents didn’t remember the dates! At least not until they decided to take a look at the birth certificate and the records from hospital.

But still, it doesn’t mean to me that much. I don’t feel I’m old, not inside. But the appearance? I don’t know.

Sure I would like to travel back and live my life all over again. I’d figure out a way to be a better son, a better student, a better friend (maybe with a prefix as well), and a better man that takes responsibility more seriously. Maybe I’d socialize and behave myself better. Maybe I’d also be not so cynical and anti-mainstream, listen to 张信哲任贤齐周杰伦 and I’d be perfectly fine.

But until the next Einstein comes around, I’d better be looking forward. Looking forward to things that are not so clear to me, or not clear to me at all. Things like how I’d be like in 10 year, or 5, or maybe one year or even 6 months. No answer, and nobody could.

Halloween is the time for Sopor’s music. “窗外”is right, time goes fast, she can still remember this time last year. I can, too. Even the minor details of putting last year’s Halloween blog post together at night, and that I got fascinated by Anna’s appearance and her experience and feeling about death and the rest of the world, as I read about “Out Of Body Experience”. And I did it again last night! Maybe I have a dark and uninhabited corner inside.

People born and people die, but the world still moves on. I believe in the theory that people’s spirit stays when they die and it would be reborn. Whether you’d be man, woman, rich, poor, or simply a common animal, your consciousness stays.

But that’s way off the topic, even though I don’t know what my topic is right now.

But maybe, it was all destined to be so that I can’t run away from. I was destined to be like this, to be disappointing, to be somewhat lucky, and somewhat unlucky, and to be me.

The story has barely started, you can already tell that it is going to be a tragedy. You can see it coming and can’t do anything about it. All you can do is just to wait. Wait for it to come, wait for your turn.

So what was the deal that I had with the Master before I came?

每个人总有那么几首歌听到就想起以前听的场景。我有很多这样的歌。小时候听磁带的时候那些歌的顺序就记得很清楚，甚至于觉得这首歌后面很自然就应该跟那首，后来开始听CD有了shuffle的功能反而不习惯。比如我觉得其实不想走完了以后马上就应该出现八音盒的声音和风雨无阻的旋律

又比如前天晚上的梦，给人唱那些花儿，仿佛觉得自己是在高一，那天半夜起床坐在阳台上弹，接下去的事情就是爸妈都出现了

还比如刚才电脑换到了Citizen Cope的歌，房间马上就变成了火车厢，我在CT的雪天里看着窗外发呆，不知道自己要去什么地方

还有Freebird，每次听到都很激动，没有一次例外，似乎觉得键盘前突然出现了小强的毛巾和阵雨的参合，似乎觉得大学四年所有的回忆就只有这个游戏和另外那件事

花儿，听到他们解散的消息我很开心，一个时代，或者说是我的一个时代，总算是结束了。虽然我从来没有去证实过这个消息。就像Clash唱的那样，Death or glory, become just another story… 米高积逊活着的时候似乎人们对他有太多不好的消息，甚至South Park也捉弄他爱和小孩玩的事。但是现在的情况就是另外一个故事了，他immortal了。

我已经完全把花儿和过去和那些事情连起来，放起来，也许暂时搁一搁了

……只是，the song still remains the same… just people don’t.

Maybe, I still wish you were here… or I were there.

又冷又干，那天喝完酸辣汤去厕所，发现撒的和汤是一个颜色的。然后我就想起twitter上有人转的：我就在明尼苏达，已经下了两场雪了，除了喝酒什么娱乐都没有，如果我是卢比奥我也不来。反正就是这天气让人一片绝望，本来就够绝望的了

昨天见到有人往LG那个手机的透明键盘里装进了两条小鱼，我就在想，草皮看见大概又要一个月睡不着了。超超最近很消沉，草皮又老是喊没劲。其实我也没劲，不过总有点光明吧，大家看开点

还有这两老做梦，连着两天梦到同一个人，自己都不知道怎么回事。你说我还那啥啥的？不觉得。真不知道怎么回事

没什么说的了，什么twitter, facebook, 校内的，把我平时想说的话都说完了，让我怎么混

就这样吧，如果什么都不用想不用做，只待屋子里，听这样让人没力气的小歌儿，做些没力气的小事儿，冷就冷吧，只是wish you were here.

写到这里，电脑很自觉的换到了这首歌

十月一号原来不知不觉这么快就到了。我不是关心这个日子，也不是关心这个日子的历史以及和它有关的事件，只是刚才给KPMG的杭州Office写信，收到自动回复说1号到8号全国都休息，我才意识到，原来时间过的这么快。

上了网才发现大家状态一片红（什么时候股市也这样？），所以我想也凑个热闹吧。找到浙江卫视，看了五分钟，没到，我就看不下去了。阅兵，我一个兵都没有看到，都是群众演员，演残疾的演生病的什么都有。我不是泼冷水，只是觉得大家都太激动了一点，或者只能说爱国主义教育做的好。“万岁”，恕我愚钝，就我所知这是对皇帝的称呼，那么被称万岁的是不是要自称“朕”呢？或者“寡人”？当然，我看不下去还有一个原因，中央台主持人的音调我听不得，大概新闻联播看的不够多吧，爸妈没教育好，我只能这么解释。

所以既然饿了，就去扒冰箱吧，回来看到画面上竟然出现了人海拼成的6个字“维护世界和平”，我差点喷了，我是说真的。连崔西为什么要从1号换到3号的原因都不敢说的地方，维护什么呢？小时候总是听到大家酸溜溜的说“美国人是太平洋的警察，管的宽”，现在换到自己想要管人了，只是不敢在外面张扬，晚上咱被窝里躲着跟自家娘子说说就得了。

不过好处还是有的，就是听到了一些小时候才听到过的歌，一些都不知道叫什么名字的歌，什么进行曲或者什么红领巾七八点钟的太阳之类的歌。说到这里我又觉得大概小时候没教育好，最讨厌有人告诉我要做什么，除了爸妈。

那天听NYU那些学生在唱黄河大合唱，唱到青纱帐里游击英雄逞英豪，我突然想到，那个时候的打游击的是不是和现在伊拉克那些所谓“恐怖分子”一个性质？

这个缺少爆炸新闻的年代，中国还是提供了不少娱乐的。比如光是围绕中国就有很多人在操心。共产党就不提了，还有什么藏独的东突的法拉盛街头招摇的法轮功的还有民运的什么号称八九传人的，什么都有。每天总有点什么事。

不过写到这里，让我惊讶的事情出现了，电视里竟然说阅兵结束了，我一看，才12点30，真的很快。不过我们的小胡马上就出来穿个中山装（从来没见他穿过）说一串“万岁”，当然，他也没忘记把共产党先给整万岁了再让人民也多活个一万年。但是一万年是不是还不够点呐，现在唱歌都是拿万年数的，爱个人也要一万年，还不够我活的呐。

好啦不写了，这个地方也封了，写这么多谁看呢？其实我也不是网上老提起的Dissent，我这人实诚，很容易满足，网络少管管我就歌功颂德了，连带不封我网站了。您要是行行好还我99BBS我就天天去灵隐寺烧香了，您爱抓谁抓谁爱判谁判谁，我还不管了，爱咋咋地吧！

Okay, I hate Facebook and Twitter and both apps on the phone. They’ve deserted my blog for a while, and it’s a BIG while.

Let’s see what happened…

Zune HD is out and very promising. HTC Leo is HOT with 4.3 inch capacitive touch screen and accelerometer. Microsoft is planning its own smartphone handset with Project Pink. Expectations are high, way high. They’ve managed to make me almost forget Storm 2 and N900, which have been both going in and out of our sight like shy girlies for TOOO long, and I’m getting tired of waiting for them.

I’ve been thinking what kind of business I would be starting. I wish it’s a tech company, like one that develops a new web browser, and I already have some ideas for a browser… only if I knew how to write one myself. See, I should’ve been gone for a computer science major or something like that.

Or… I could start a music label, and I already have the name: Moss Record. How’s that? Just like the song would sing: “Moss grows fat on a rolling stone…” Rock is dead! We all know it.

And the story thing… I wish I had the time to write. Don’t even have the time to think for myself recently, and don’t even know what I’ve been busy doing. It’s like my body and my time don’t even belong to myself. It used to be at the time when I used to daydream a lot and doing nothing, but I don’t have the time to do it any more. I lost my creativity.

Just like I said, I lost my creativity and I don’t know how to continue this post. Guess I’ll just let it end here.

5. 再见理想

高中末和大学初的时候突然喜欢听Beyond。虽然至今仍有人们争论，说他们玩的根本不是摇滚，但是不管怎么说，在那个了解不多的时候，我把他们当作救命稻草，而且我知道，至少他们自己觉得他们还真是那么回事。就像后来我老是看到五月天登台领奖的时候第一句话就是“玩摇滚乐。。。”云云，我真不知道说他们什么好。

其实那个时候不知道“理想”究竟是个什么东西，只是觉得“一起高呼Rock n’ Roll”喊起来特有一种苦大仇深的味道。

说起Beyond，吉他老师有一次提到他们，很自然的顺口而出“那个黄家狗。。。”，一点没有开玩笑的意思。。。我至今还不知道他到底是不是在开玩笑

但是不管怎么说，“那个黄家狗”把我唱到了大学里

6. Time of Your Life

2003，在一个音响店找到一张Green Day的Shenanigans，后来就开始喜欢听他们的歌，一是旋律和节奏的确很悦耳，尤其在我还不懂得朋克的时候，二是没人听，必须承认，我喜欢做没人做的事。所以到后来出现了American Idiot，歌还是一样的好听，只是我不再跟人说我喜欢听Green Day，因为大街小巷都有他们的影子

回到2003，有一个下午我抱着吉他跑到皮特的房间里，给他听Time of Your Life，我问他有没有听过，他说没有，我说你有没有这歌的谱，他说等等。听了几句，拿我吉他捣鼓了几下，就给我写了我后来一直用的谱。说实话，他是我见过最接近音乐家的人

7. 静止

也许没人明白为什么现在才出现静止，但是在2004那一年，静止对我的意义比什么歌都大。

大概Kraze或者阵雨知道个大概。

事情是，那天在他们学院的晚会上唱了静止以后，过了几天有一个陌生的号码发短信问我，听说你有花儿的CD，能不能借我听听，我是XX。

故事就这么发生了

(つづく……)

Guess I’ve posted it somewhere and sometime before, but I’ll do it again before I continue my narration.

And for Kraze, we are not a cover band. We are a tribute band. I know “Life” is just the same old song, and the original version is already damn tasty enough to listen to. But we don’t copy. We don’t copy anyone else’s version, and we don’t do it as how anyone else tell us to. We recreate it ourselves, the version of our own.

……

[Timothy] A long, long time ago...
                  ...when I was at university...
                  ...l was married.

[Izzy]         No. You were married?

[Tim]         It was before you boys and that rock 'n' roll music corrupted me, man.
                   Yeah, I still think about it sometimes.
                   She was really a very sweet girl.

[Izzy]          What happened? lf you don't mind me asking.

[Tim]          No, no.
                   One day we were sitting in the park.
                   Having lunch, me and the wife.
                   I needed to take a piss...
                   ...so I walked to the toilet. You know, in the bathroom.
                   I'm standing there staring at the wall, as you do.
                   And all of the sudden, something came over me.
                   Like a fear that my whole life had already been laid out for me.
                   I'd finish my studies, get a job.
                   I'd be working for somebody else...
                   ...worrying about things that didn't matter.
                   So I walked out of there.
                   I Kept going. Didn't come back.

[Izzy]          You just left her there?

[Tim]          Yep.
                   Sitting in front of a half-eaten steak and kidney pie.
                   Very harsh, man.
                   She came to see a show a few years ago. She hadn't changed at all.
                   She married my best friend. A doctor.
                   They have three gorgeous little kids.
                   Yeah, she's very happy.
                   Very happy.

……